My grandmother passed away this week.
Her funeral is going on as I type.
I have spent the last so many days going over all my experiences with my grandmother. The good, the bad and the rest. Life is always full and more complicated than if things were one way or another. The truth is that my grandmother lived a full life. She was from a different era. Raised on a plantation as an only child and later in the center of New Orleans. She married young and dreamed of a life...
Was that life she lived the one she dreamed as a small child... most likely not because somehow some form of reality sets in. Life gets in the way.
She moved far from all she knew once she was married. She was promised many things in an early marriage which most likely were far from the truth. She lived in the heavy snows of upper new york for way to long even though her husband took her home once a year. She raised two young children who were eight years approximately apart in age. She moved to texas at some point and built the life I knew since a small child.
Her two children grew up to be driven in their chosen professions. They left home and unlike children of today never returned. I remember organizing her 75th birthday which was the first time her two children were home with her since they were young. She was happy to have them until they kept telling all her friends proudly that they were their for her 75TH BIRTHDAY! Boy was she ticked off.
My grandmother was one to keep up appearances and never would divulge if something was amiss... at least not until you were back behind closed doors. I can look at someone and read their energy from far away. I can say my grandmother always came in loud and clear. Even when I visited her last fall when she could barely speak... her facial expressions said it all! I knew everyone of her looks, good and bad!
I was remembering all the times that I spent with her. She was a tough cookie. Loved to go out on the town, dine, dance and enjoy any type of party! She was ready at the crack of dawn for every day. When you came to visit, she would paint the whole house! She loved to express herself through her art and all that she did. After her husband died she taught kindergarten for many many years (sorry forgot what that plack said on the wall). She dance into her late eighties. She had to stop square dancing when her partner turned 90 and continued her line dancing until her feet would no longer listen to what her mind was telling her body. We loved Reese her square dancing partner!
She was a true member of her church and her community. She was at church most likely almost every day of the week. I know that she must have eaten at least 5 meals a week at the church's dinner hall. Her church had Tuesday Adventures, 50/50 class, Mr & Mrs, Sunday School, Retreats, Lectures and on and on. That was Highland Park Methodist Church. My grandmother was a member for over 50 years. My mother was married there and I was baptized there. We attended every visit. Many of times when I was a small child, I would contemplate what in the world does a big whale, a guy in a big red suit and a rabbit that carries eggs have to do with this big church where some guy every week tells stories ... The music in this big church was amazing. Even though I could not wrap my head around what all the church meant it was an amazing experience. Only later would I understand the depth and meaning of all the traditions.
We did love the magical experience of Christmas at Highland Park. Driving around the park cities and seeing all the beautiful white lights everyone puts up in their yards (figured someone was making a ton of money each year out doing the year before, but it was the best decorations I have yet to encounter!).
Grandmother was out of the old world. Dressed to the nines every time you saw her. She was like her Aunt Maude who kept a flat in New Orleans. We loved to visit Aunt Maude and Aunt Billy and Uncle Earl. When I was a child, this was pure fun. Aunt Maude never got married. From my understanding as a small child, she was too busy living life to get tied down. She had a closet filled with clothes and had wintergreen lifesavers in her purse. Always dolled up and heading somewhere with a plan for adventure! I remember when I was around 9 or 10 grandmother sent me a black bikini that was hand made. I asked her why she sent it since it was for a grown person! She said that Aunt Maude said to give it to me... I choked right there. I said, 'but grandma (this was before she told me when I was 18 that she hated being called grandma and wanted to be called grandmother! It only took her another 10 years to get my cousin and brother to do the same!)... I said, 'but grandma, aunt maude has been dead for years, why are you sending this to me now???' She said aunt maude told her to give it to me someday and this happens to be the day!
My grandmother was not always the easiest to deal with. She came from a world that you never did anything except what your elders told you no matter what you think. I think my uncle and my mother decided that distance was the best way to deal with her ... period. All the grandchildren tended to deal differently. My cousin always said 'yes grandmother' and kept doing what he was doing without paying her any mind. My brother either listened or did the opposite. Me ... I always spoke my mind. She would say my shorts are too short and I would say just the way I like them. 'Oh Grandma' which always ticked her off. We usually kept our boundaries. She would give me all kinds of looks. When I was younger she would say... 'oh I am so sorry you are having such a bad life.' I would tell her it is not a bad life... its just not exactly what I had envisioned but I did not regret anything because this is my life and my experience. I knew that I have not signed up for a 'regular' life. My job was to push the envelope and live fully finding that which is driving my soul. My family always wanted to push that into a box. Medical school, a porshe or something glamorous, living the fast fat life! Plus dont forget being the good little christain that met with their approval. Me... always saw things differently. I remember right after I had my little victoria, grandmother sent me 8 formal party dresses. I was shocked. I needed diapers, and other necessary baby things and all she could think about was me fiting back into my size 4 and going out on the town! Back then I was upset... now I see the way she saw the situation!
I can say that I have always looked for the good life. I have always looked for something real beyond the surface. I have always been deeper or more dedicated than most. Hard work and change has never scared me. I could pick up and change my world in a moment. I never did anything lightly. I could image a world and create anything. If things were not going as I planned, I could change gears and fade away! I would just build anew some where else. I have never tried to hide from any of my choices and have tried to be as clear as possible in all that I have done. In no way have I done it perfectly. When I was young coming from so much brokenness, wanting so much love to stop the pains of life, some choices were very poor in hind site. I was an emotional mess without even know what that meant. I have always been brilliant and capable of navigating the most complicated situations. My mom has always said that my biggest downfall is that I am too capable in too many areas. My curse is my blessing. Someday I will master all that is driving me deep in inside. I have learned to use the beauty of my right brain in cojunction with the brilliance of my left brain and that makes me very powerful. My vision is still shorter than I wish but when I ask deep into eternity, to God, why I can not see more I get a two fold response, that I would either run the other way or my ego would grow to much too fast in its ... grandeour. My depth of wisdom with the whole short vision drives me each step without getting too full of my self. Keeps me in check just as my grandmother did all those years. My 'oh grandma' kept me thinking. I would check my position and see what adjustments I needed to make to all that I was doing. Most importantly I learned to be true to myself no matter what anyone else believed.
Grandmother was that harsh measuring stick that I have taken to heart. Not saying she was always right but she did instill questioning and doing what was right even when it was hard!
Now the bobby pin curls in my very straight hair did drive me crazy. My dedication to good healthy food most likely came from her cautious way. She always had stock in her house of everything you could ever want. Meals were always balanced even though when she got married she couldnt boil water. She had a old cook book she promised to give me one day 'a way to a mans heart is through his stomach' but she in later years didnt know what happened to it (earmark, check amazon and ebay ~ tried years ago but couldnt find it or it cost too much since it was out of print!).
This last week I spent much time going over what I would have done differently with my grandmother... and I came up with three times I wished it had turned out differently, but none of them ultimately were within my power to change. Each time I did exactly what I needed to do and I would not have changed my actions. The funny thing is that all three have to do with our family history. The first was a cruise to the Netherlands to see our family heritage. I was supposed to have gone on with her right after graduation from high school but due to family issues at the time, I was not able to go. Another time she wanted to travel through the back country of Lousianna to visit where she grew up as a small child, but I found myself out of the country and not able to return. The third time I realized after she moved to her retirement home, we were visiting with the kids and my husband. I realized it would have been nice to do a semester at SMU and live with grandmother for at least a year. That would have been such an enriching experience. I am sure though at the time I thought it would be near impossible to spend that much time with my grandmother and never gave it another thought.
Early on our relationship was one of strong wills. Later we grew into a deep mutual respect. In the end she loved my children and they always made her smile. She thanked me for doing such a good job with my children. She was on the money with which child would be which way and beware! She said every time... I am so happy that you found your happiness, which was a change from the previous, I am so sorry you have had such a bad life. She loved my husband. She loved being with my family. One of her last visits was to my marriage to Robert. She had a grand time. She was the bell of the ball.
We visited her a few more times before she died. When she still had her apartment I spoke to her every other day telling her stories of the children and all our mishaps. She would share what was going on with all that she did in the home. I remember as a child you could never get her to stay on the phone for more than a minute. When my second child alexandra was in the hospital fighting for her life, I stayed at the Ronald McDonald House. They would give you 10 min phone cards. I would use them with my grandmother to keep her up to speed on Alexandra's situation, and I realized that at some point she moved away from just one minute on the phone always having to go somewhere else, to wanting to talk for longer and longer. I was apologizing that the cards cut her off AGAIN AND AGAIN.
When I spoke to her every other day, we truly had the best connection in this world. Our respect for each other was strong.
Then one day she fell. She was moved to the hospital. Shortly there after I was talking to the administrator of her apartment building about how important it is for grandmother to make the decision to move into a higher care section of the home. We were taking the different options that were possible. My uncle walked in and I never received another piece of information regarding my grandmother since that time period. In truth, over the next two years I only spoke to her on the phone maybe three or four times. I tried emailing through staffing but they were not allowed to communicate with me. Once was when my cousin answered the phone , he let me talk to her on her birthday two years ago. Another was when I called the nurses station to see if my grandmother was okay and she was sitting in the sun outside. They took the phone to her.
My uncle and his family shifted her from her apartment to full care without notice to my grandmother, my mother, my brother or myself. She moved and all her stuff was gone and that was that. Later I received a box with stuff I never had seen before, not the memories of all the things I grew up with. I was allowed to pick a hand full of her paitings from facebook and they were shipped. No note, no information, no nothing.
There were orders that if I was to receive any information to call my uncle. It is true that my uncle has been responsible for his mother since his father died in 1971. THAT is a very long time to secure her life and make sure all details are taken care of. I am sure it was a burden on himself and his family. I am sure being a general he did not want anyone into his business, BUT no matter his side of the story and his experience, there is the side of my grandmother, the side of myself, my mother and my brother.
Neither here nor there. I see the last two years as completely out of my control. I tried over and over to get my grandmother at the hospital. I tried to communicate with my uncle when I could. I tried to visit when money was tight. Bottom line is that there is no trying in life. You do or you do not. I did everything within my power to do the right thing and for reasons out of my control, I did not achieve my desired end. I did have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother. Though we could not communicate in the last couple years, we have a connection into eternity. At times it was tough to say the least. BUT in the end... I learned so very much from her. She loved life. She was an artist. She had a strong sense of who she was and what was right and wrong. She was determined to suceed in everything she set out to do. She loved relationships with people. She loved to travel. She loved to dance. She was creative, intuitive and strong. Though she was imperfect she dedicated herself to the fullest vision she could achieve.
I come from a long lineage of strong women. They have had their hardships with the men in their lives due to their strength, their depths, their emotional hypersensativity, their intuitive capabilities and their abilities to heal and help the suffering. My greatgrandmother had a home for the throw aways in this world. My grandmother dedicated her life to opening the minds of little children to wonder beyond their little worlds. She dedicated herself to those that suffer and are need in this world. My mother has dedicated herself to those that have been locked in their internal boxes and have suffered greatly due to the brokenness of this world.
We live in a world that is messed up on so many levels. We live in a world where life is so different than what we have been taught to believe. We are enslaved and do not even know it. We are killing ourselves and we do not even know it. We are so alone filled with so many holes in our soul we dont even know it. We are divided and scattered to the wind and do not even know it. The world we see is the brokenness of our souls. The left brain, egoic male mind has ruled this world for too long. The patriachs of this world have dominated our world into destruction.
The time is to unite our whole being and heal ourselves into our fullness of our true essence. My lineage is one that once held the esoteric understanding of this world. I see beyond the surface of this time to know that we can once again have all that we have lost. We can heal and grow back into our full glory. Not at some later date, but now, right now. This is the time we have been waiting for, and we are the ones they have talked about through out time. Our ancesters were not primitives that did not hold sacred wisdoms... they were fully enlightened beings that fell from grace. We have climbed back up from the depths. The time is now to release ourselves from the chains that have held us down for too long.
In my grandmothers name, Eleanor Strong Beyea, I take back my full power. The patriarch of my family no longer hold the power over me and my family. They have ruled with an unfair fist. They have not found the narrow gate. They have lived in darkness for too long. Their ways are not straight and have led us astray. They choices are not for the goodness of all but for the goodness of themselves.
My family like our world will no longer tolerate this abuse and this misguided rule. Without us they are powerless over our lives. My grandmother is the end of an era. My mother has fought to stand up against the abuses of this time and has suffered greatly. This ends here and now with me. This will no longer go on.
I say it is not okay. If people do not respect me, I will not allow them in my circle. They ultimately have no power over me unless I give them power. All that they have done is not in the best interest of myself and all those I love. Their motivations are selfish. Their motivations are not from a strong foundation of what is right and good. Their actions are justified by their position to gain what they seek. They feel justified by any means to achieve their outcomes. They are not for me to judge. Each of us have to find our own salvation through our own fear and trembling in this world. Those that think they are righteous most often are not. I do not condemn them. I pray for them and send them love.
I say no more. I am the sole person that chooses the path of my life. My grandmother died to show this to me. She lived full and fruitful existence to end trapped in her own ... blindness. She sent me a message last night. She knows the truth. She is disappointed. Make things right. Those that do not will have to answer for all they have done. She is free and at peace. I am living into my fullest and best self, imperfectly by my own might.
Eleanor Strong Beyea, you were my grandmother. You pushed and proded so that others would be more and do more. You are an end of an era. You dedicated your life to live into the fullest role of your time to be imprisioned without a voice. That time has now come to an end.
YOUR VOICE will be heard. No longer is it okay. Too many know the truth. The old way is not the right way. Too many people have given their life to support others to only find out in the end, all they believed in was not true.
THINGS have changed. WE as a people no longer want to give all that we are to those that do not support our wellbeing. Our life is not to be sacrificed for the will of a few. Those few have dwelled in the darkness for too long. They have taken from too many. Eyes are opening. People are seeing. Without the support of the many, the few will fall.
Make your choice. My grandmother has spoken. I have spoken. Now it is your time to speak. No longer just accept... find the truth. Stand up and say no longer is it okay. Make your choice ~ Live! This is the only true freedom in our world. Our decision to live our life fully for ourselves and those we love.
Take back your power!
My grandmother who always said later in life, "I am doing pretty well for an old gal!" is now back to her fullest power, beauty and grace. She is whole. She lived her life fully and shared her vision with all those around her. She has returned to see beyond the veil and live into eternity. Through her those that have been touched will continue her living legacy to a full and fruitful life not fearing doing what is right and living into the fullest of glory.
Grandmother, Godspeed and blessings for all that you shared in this world. Thank you for all the inspirations from here to eternity! God Bless! Thank you ... for your messages throughout my life. My children will aspire to be more through all that you have taught me these many years, and through them our lineage will continue its quest for truth, for love and for life!
"Live in Love, & Remember to Laugh!"
Deborah Sue Pomeroy Reckmeyer
